Practicing the Art of Connection

One of the ways we naturally regulate ourselves as humans is through connecting with other people. When we look into a friendly face and feel seen and understood, it registers through our nervous system and helps us settle. This is co-regulation and we can do this with friends, family, partners, people in our community, friendly strangers, healers, therapists, etc. Luckily, this response is biologically wired into our bodies so when we are looking at someone friendly and talking with them, we don't have to do anything for this to happen. 

However, in a culture that celebrates individualism and where public life is centered around commerce and capitalism (it's hard to find places where one can go and connect with other people for free), it can be a challenge to find where real human connection can happen.  

Here are some ideas to consider as you practice the art of connecting with others. 

If you need to make more friends, look for non-profits that support something you care about and get involved with them. Just show up to whatever they invite the public to. Volunteer doing whatever you're good at or love. Generosity releases all kinds of good feeling neurotransmitters and hormones in our bodies. Show up for park clean-ups or work parties. 

Look for places where you can do "parallel play" with people-- doing activities with others where the connecting is first based on the activity, not on an already established relationship. Help out elders in your neighborhood or community. If you have a dog, spend a lot of time at dog parks. Take classes at your library or State Conservation center. In other words, look for spaces that are free and public and then engage in whatever is going on there. This is a good way to feel a part of something, have positive social interactions, and maybe make new friends.

If you get socially nervous, when you meet with a friend or meet someone new, assume that the other person already really likes you. This will help your social system feel more relaxed and naturally yourself. Also, don't be distracted by phone alerts or other things in the environment (have your phone alerts turned off). If it's easy for you, look people in the eyes when they are talking (this can be different for different cultures and neurotypes, so pay attention to the cultural orientation of the person you're connecting with). Let your body language signal that you're open and listening.  

When I was younger and living on Orcas Island in a yurt, I found one winter to be particularly lonely on the quiet island. One way I remedied this was to bake muffins and take them to my closest neighbors. I would show up with muffins and we would chat and check in and I got to know them better through this. It also was an immediate antidepressant for me. 

Meeting new people and connecting more deeply with existing relationship does involve taking a social risk. I didn't initially know how the neighbors would respond when I took muffins to their houses, so I had to take that risk. But risk taking and pushing ourselves a bit helps us build resiliency to internal stress. It grows us. And the reward is human connection and co-regulation. It makes us stronger and more resourced in our overall resiliency.